The weekly meeting of the mythical Masculine Men for Manly Manhood was called to order.
They were meeting in the back corner at Top Ten Wines, in Columbia, Missouri, which is where the group’s inspiration, Sen. Josh Hawley, used to buy wine during daytime trips while he was the state’s attorney general. The men formed their loose-knit organization after Hawley said in a national speech and a follow-up interview that he planned to make the protection and promotion of masculinity his new political priority.
2:30 on a work day and Josh Hawley is 30 miles from Jeff City buying wine
— Thomas Hatfield (@THatfieldMO)
“After years of being told ... that their manhood is the problem,†. “More and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness, and pornography, and video games.â€
Courtland Sykes, chairman of the group, pounded his gavel. You remember Courtland. He’s the one-time Senate candidate who of his fiancée, One America News Network’s Chanel Rion: “I want to come home to a home-cooked dinner at 6 every night, one that she fixes and one that I expect one day to have daughters learn to fix after they become traditional homemakers and family wives.â€
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Sykes led the group through its Pledge of Manly Principles:
“We are not part of the problem. We will not withdraw into the enclave of idleness. We will not play Donkey Kong. We will not watch porn. We will not play Donkey Kong while watching porn. When we see other manly men preparing to storm the U.S. Capitol in a violent attack on the nation, we will raise our manly fists high in the air and cheer them on. We will pursue higher education, especially at elite coastal universities such as Stanford and Yale, while at the same time decrying coastal elites and the higher education institutions that are destroying manhood. We will defend liberty at all costs, except for the liberty to play Donkey Kong and watch porn.â€
After reciting the pledge and conducting the ceremonial chest bumps, a crisp white zinfandel was served and the men got down to business. Today’s agenda calls for us to make an endorsement in the 2022 Republican primary for U.S. Senate, Sykes said. Three of the candidates seeking the nomination were there to make speeches: Eric Greitens, Eric Schmitt and Mark McCloskey. U.S. Rep. Vicky Hartzler wasn’t invited because, well, she’s not manly enough. Neither was U.S. Rep. Billy Long, whose manly cowboy hat was deemed an unfair advantage over the other candidates. Also, it was rumored that he had a video game console on his Billy Bus.
Greitens, the former Missouri governor who resigned in disgrace after being accused in testimony before a House committee of assaulting a woman who was not his wife, went first.
“As you know, I was a Navy SEAL,†Greitens said. Then he streamed a video from his phone to the back wall. It was footage from his gubernatorial campaign advertisement showing him firing a machine gun into the woods. Greitens smiled and sat down.
Next was Mark McCloskey. Some muffled coughing noises emanated from the back of the room: “Pink polo shirt,†is what it sounded like. McCloskey displayed still photos of himself pointing a semi-automatic rifle at Black protesters from the porch of his Portland Place home.
“I stood up to the mob,†he said. “What’s more manly than that?â€
He sat down.
Finally came Attorney General Eric Schmitt.
“Fight tyranny. Crush Marxism. Love America,†he said. Schmitt slumped down low in his chair, realizing he was the only candidate who hadn’t aimed a weapon at somebody or something to prove his manhood. He had no chance for the endorsement. He wondered if he should stand up and thrust his fist in the air and remind the people there that he had sued the local school district. Sure, he lost; but if he said, “I’m a fighter!†seven or eight times maybe that would help.
Just then, a rumbling came from outside the store, on Ninth Street. There, in the middle of the road, Greitens’ supporters Kimberly Guilfoyle and Rudy Giuliani were stopping traffic while unfurling a “Greitens for Senate†banner.
“THE ... BEST ... IS ... YET ... TO ... COME!†Guilfoyle .
McCloskey fidgeted with his phone, typing into Google: “Kimberly Guilfoyle and porn.†Greitens sent a text to his campaign manager using the text-message-destroying app Confide; Schmitt walked away, sulking. Sykes told the Top Ten Wines manager to send a bill for the zinfandel, and he adjourned the meeting without a vote. They had time to get to that next month, when the Masculine Men for Manly Manhood planned to watch video clips of Aaron Rodgers talking about ivermectin.
Besides. It was almost 6 p.m. Dinner awaited.